Dear Abel, My Reckoning

I am speaking to you now Though it's too late now no how And your blood cries from the ground Dear Abel, my brother What can come from being jealous Is murder, I deserve this If only I could resist Dear Abel, my brother I really fell should’ve been at that trailer I created my own Hell You may call it what you will Thought I’d see you later It's murder, twice over. I am speaking to you now Though it's too late now no how And your blood cries from the ground Dear Abel, my brother What can come from being jealous What comes from absence Is murder, I deserve this If only I could resist Dear Abel, my brother Though my enemies surround me round about, no longer does He. We surround ourselves with sweet tea and the fruit of that tree, Why did I come to this city to find God A feeling like sustenance He who sustains and rescues sitting deep inside He covers and keeps me, kills me and empty is hard to find without vanity one pill two deals three hills, four Wounds open up, take some more a holy feeling like sustanence makes it sweet to swallow Milk and honey, baby blue and its a blessing so natural, Yet all I want is hollow and unhallowed I ran away, I could’ve stayed, she would’ve been saved Survivors guilt has broken and rebuilt I scream at the director of our cosmic play My Father the King commanded in his gentle way, I am His princess, behaving in this way The King gave wave to Father and there He cried with me and I washed his feet And I washed both feet, singing “Lord, take a seat.” My hair growing darker each moment In the secret place I am no Duchess I am no black and blue bruised and beaten Queen I praise my Father and the King He looked into my eyes, my pupils far too wide Shrouded Lord commanded three huge angels to my side “Oh what have you lost inside” even the Lord sighed. Wings sprout from my back and the wind takes me south Roots grow from my feet Plant me on the levee I paddle in the stormy river and it’s usually brown It’s moss-green Every once in a while I paddle toward something new, I’m a kite in a canoe Water rolls down the levee I’m Noahphine, Pauline, Jonah—lee Then on the sand in a pile Alone I’m with Abba on the sandbar for a while Trying not to fight it, to collapse into the bile He paddles for me What’s the reason why, the seraphim know not The King doesn’t have to try, despite the grip Satan’s got God’s mama’s got a high heel sharper than his fang. Under her feet, lilies bloom Let me roll my swampy eyes Here comes the Bride Like the dead body of Christ Is her chest still rising, Eyes terrified Tourniquet leaking from her sides, Bleeding beauty petrified Do you know how she died, fire in the sky? I’m floating through a beautiful place I didn’t create, should we fear to die? Upside down in the bayou I was supposed to be by you Mary pray for me God knows I hardly sleep Oh Mary pray for me Ancestors under our feet Left the truth out in the heat Bodies toppled by the tribal beat It withered deep Like magnolias melted into concrete. Ripe fruit in the trees above me Treat my blood like leftover dark meat Your Jefferson’s in the bedroom suite I’m untouched in my conceit White bones squeezed until blood secretes Flames from the north came with a receipt We know what hopelessness is, it’s exhaustion Dedicate our time to it, carved out half-hearts on trees In muddy boots Show each other our scars, Where is my neshama? Did we dedicate our lives to dying We don’t have to Hide each other's dry bones from the gracious God in vain We know what hopelessness is, it’s a lie Dedicate our tongues to deceit Singing songs to You In the back of the bus In the very last pew We hide what we do He’s not out of range, What if I change