Lyrics
Well, that was a week. Let me tell you, folks, returning from a Broadway flop is tough, but coming home to the Brewster family circus is a whole other level of absurdity.
It all started with the "elderberry wine." Aunt Abby and Martha, bless their hearts, are as cheery as canaries on a sugar high. They greet you with that sweet purple concoction and a wink like it's some kind of secret potion. Elaine, my statuesque fiancée, eyed it with suspicion, but being famished from the train ride, I downed the whole glass. Let me tell you, it tasted like defeat laced with prune juice.
Then came the symphony of chaos. Teddy, bless his ten-year-old-stuck-in-a-man's-body soul, bursts out of the woodwork with a shovel, announcing he's digging a canal to Panama (seriously, the man has a one-track mind). On his heels comes this flamboyant figure - Dr. Einstein, they call him - sporting a disguise that wouldn't fool a blind goldfish. He's convinced the aunts are harboring a fugitive with a nose so prominent, it could disrupt radio waves.
Speaking of noses, that's when "The Professor" strolled in. This guy, with a face vaguely familiar and a parrot that squawked about buried treasure, claimed to be my long-lost brother, Jonathan. Now, I haven't seen Jonathan since he ran off to join the circus at twelve, but something about this Professor reeked of a con artist.
The next few days were a blur of misplaced dentures, flying knitting needles, and Dr. Einstein's increasingly outlandish attempts to "correct" the Professor's nose with what looked suspiciously like mashed potatoes. The "wine" seemed to be fueling the madness – Elaine tripped over a strategically placed rocking chair, sending cucumber sandwiches flying like confetti, while Teddy chased the Professor's parrot around the house, convinced it held the key to the Panamanian canal route. All the while, the aunts flitted through the chaos, refilling glasses and dropping not-so-subtle hints about the Professor's "unfortunate resemblance" to a recently deceased gentleman.
The grand finale? A dinner party gone hilariously wrong. Dr. Einstein, disguised as a waiter (emphasis on the "disguised"), accidentally served everyone a potent laxative instead of gravy. Let's just say the bathroom became a war zone, and Teddy, convinced he'd unearthed a "lost city of pudding" in the basement, started recruiting the bewildered guests as his "Panamanian canal diggers."
In the midst of the mayhem, the Professor, bless his heart, confessed the whole charade. He was in on the "inheritance" scheme (which turned out to be entirely nonexistent), playing the long con for a slice of the "Brewster fortune." Elaine, surprisingly unfazed by the whole ordeal, declared her love for me (a woman of steel, that one).
The police arrived, summoned by Dr. Einstein's disastrous disguise attempts, only to be treated to a song-and-dance number by Teddy and his newly formed chorus.
Elaine, surprisingly unfazed by the whole ordeal, declared her love for me (a woman of steel, that one).
The police arrived, summoned by Dr. Einstein's disastrous disguise attempts, only to be treated to a song-and-dance number by Teddy and his newly formed chorus. The Professor, clutching his parrot, disappeared in the pandemonium.
So, here I am, surrounded by my eccentric family, a slightly singed fiancée, and the lingering scent of prune-flavored "wine." It may not be the life I envisioned, but hey, at least it's never dull. After all, in the Brewster household, every day is a vaudeville act with a healthy dose of arsenic and a whole lot of laughter (mostly at our own expense, of course). Let's just hope the telemarketers never figure out the "wine" secret.
