가사
“What is guilt to you?” she asked.
And I answered:
In my personal experience,
I found that guilt,
was a feeling I was working very hard to create,
because I liked it.
That really,
it made me feel,
like I was doing something right.
That I “mastered” this guilt game,
that it felt like a talent,
to know when it was appropriate to feel it,
and how I should act when I felt it.
I saw I held a lot of pride,
and actual joy,
in that:
The perceived correctness of my reactions.
I found:
That all my so-called negative emotions,
were simply physical sensations unfolding within me,
that had at one time,
been in the wrong place,
at the wrong time.
I saw that as a very young child,
when I was learning,
what I did not understand,
from adults and children around me.
I would simply pin down the feeling that was there at the time.
“Oh, this must be what they are referencing. That’s my guilt.”
That's my guilt
my guilt
As I grew older,
as I observed more,
read more,
I kept refining my guilt feeling.
But I wasn’t feeling in the receiving sense of the word anymore,
on the contrary I was now very busy telling myself what I felt instead.
And in effect my nervous system was doing what it does best:
It’s very best to recreate what I was imagining.
I had successfully mastered it,
it took no conscious control anymore,
even the gathering of new elements in this pattern,
was now happening automatically.
Who would ever want to give up a talent like that?
Certainly not I,
I loved it.
AND I loved the original sensation I had structured it up around.
I longed to connect with it again.
But my mastery of the guilt pattern,
depended upon the mechanism,
of pushing that sensation away.
That was where the perceived pain was coming from:
The attempt to separate myself,
from myself.
How could that ever be possible?
I couldn’t see,
that attempting to push it away,
was an interaction in itself.
That the pushing away,
was in effect the holding it close.
That I was very skilfully giving myself every aspect of what I wanted.
---*---
There can be many thoughts around how “conceptual guilt” serves,
and how it is necessary and needed.
In my experience they aren’t true.
I can be kind,
loving,
compassionate
and caring
without “conceptual guilt”.
In fact “conceptual guilt” only serves to get in the way of that.
Because when I judge myself I can’t open my heart to others either.
In my experience “Conceptual guilt”,
promotes what it is meant to guard against,
and makes it more likely that I attack,
in an attempt to defend.
Defending outwardly,
against the assault that is only happening from within:
That’s me attempting to beat myself up with my guilt,
projecting my judgments of myself on to other people.
There can be many thoughts around how “conceptual guilt” serves,
and how it is necessary and needed.
In my experience they are NOT true.
I can be kind,
loving,
compassionate
and caring
without “conceptual guilt”.
In fact “conceptual guilt” only serves to get in the way of that.
Because when I judge myself I can’t open my heart to others either.
In my experience “Conceptual guilt”,
promotes what it is meant to guard against,
and makes it more likely that I attack,
in an attempt to defend.
Defending outwardly,
against the assault that is only happening from within:
That’s me attempting to beat myself up with my guilt,
projecting my judgments of myself on to other people.
I have come to see that for me “conceptual guilt”,
was an attempt at precaution:
“A measure taken in advance to prevent something dangerous, unpleasant, or inconvenient from happening.”
It served to immobilise me.
[outro]
For me “conceptual guilt” promoted the worshipping of fear,
as a preventive safety.
And I’d rather meet the world without that.
[ending]
